hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
