my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
