this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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