I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
