u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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