I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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