at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
