I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
