I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
