I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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