Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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