I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
