I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
