I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
