I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
