Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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