i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Randomize
