I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
