i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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