Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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