About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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