Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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