Who did Billy Mays play for?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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