I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
