i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
