He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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