can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
