I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
