then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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