I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
