THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
