He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
And then he peed in my hair
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