I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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