I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
