my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
