Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
