Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
