Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
