im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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