She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
