Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
well, you know. whores of a feather.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
