Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
