I hate all girls vehemently.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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