and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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