I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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