one two three fourrrrnication!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
