so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
