I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
