Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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