I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
